I don't know who to turn to with this. We share friends and I can't speak to my family because it will damage my wife's relationship with them if I do. So I come to you, Reddit…
Early in our relationship, I had very low self esteem and anxiety. My wife had insecurity and trust issues because she has been hurt in the past. We had a number of big arguments towards the beginning that often ended in objects being thrown and broken, me having water poured on me in bed, or generally exchanging horrible words until the early hours. Two particular arguments that happened early on (around 15 years ago) are key to what's happened now. One is that, while at the bar with a friend, I admitted to finding a celebrity attractive. My wife was very upset by this and it was brought up repeatedly. As time went on, I began to say that I didn't really mean it that way and while, I think, it was understood that I did it was forgotten (or at least in the background) with years that passed. The second is that I told my wife I can find people objectively attractive. This was abhorrent to her and one of our worst ever arguments. I had never been in altercations like this before so was left genuinely traumatised by the verbal and physical backlash to this revelation. To save myself and our relationship, I said that I didn't in fact find other people attractive, that I only had eyes for her, and as time passed she would bring it up and I would repeat this to keep things smooth.
Around the time of these arguments, I broke it off with her. She was a mess. I finally agreed to talk and I told her my concerns about her insecurities and how they were affecting me. She understood and said things would be different if we got back together. They were, somewhat…
We are very happy together for the majority of the time. We have had big clashes and they are usually based around the themes I've outlined but, otherwise, we have a great relationship. I have never been unfaithful and wouldn't dream of doing so. I love her and we are best friends.
That said, this has always been with the proviso that I act a certain way or follow certain rules. As mentioned, I have held the party line that I do not find anyone else even objectively attractive. I watch porn in secret occasionally but have always insisted that I don't. I don't watch TV or films that have a lot of nudity. I don't speak too favourably of other females. I don't have any female friends that aren't also hers. I don't go out to a bar with friends without her. There are more, but you get the idea.
I have always justified the above by saying that all marriages, to work, need compromise. All marriages have problems. I love her and I want to make it work so I have been willing to sacrifice parts of my life for that. That said, I have always known that I am lying to her about my own sexuality and this has caused me a lot of stress.
Recently I have learnt to have more self-confidence. I am growing as a person. I realise that I can't go on lying to anyone, especially my wife.
I am a big movie buff. Last week, I started watching a film while she was on the couch with me. In the first ten minutes there was a topless woman. I cringed internally knowing my wife would be feeling irate and, sure enough, she stood up and stormed out. I turned the film off. We spoke and she said she was disappointed that I would want to watch a film like that. I finished watching it the next day (because I really wanted to see it!) and admitted this to her which caused the biggest argument we have had in a long time. She said I disappointed her because she didn't think I was 'that kind of man'. I said that I wasn't watching it for that reason, that it was a classic film, and that it didn't continue in the same vein. We eventually agreed this clash happened due to a communication breakdown. I should have reassured her and she should have spoken to me instead of walking away. Afterwards, she said that she has always felt like she's holding me back and it is selfish to keep me to herself. She said that she feels like a broken dog at the pound no one would want. This hurt me. She has been saying similar since then and feels like she is going to lose me.
She mentioned in the past week that she told a male colleague about how I used to find this celebrity (mentioned above) attractive and they have been bringing it up a lot to her (not sure why). She asked me yesterday 'why did you find them attractive?' I said that I didn't and never did, wanting to avoid a fight but knowing she knew better. She told me to stop lying so I said that, yes, I did find them attractive and she knew that at the time. We spent the rest of the evening apart. In bed, the conversation continued, and I beat around the bush a lot, finding myself scared to speak the plain truth but, ultimately, I said that I do and can find people objectively attractive, that everyone does, and that I'm sure she does too and that's ok. I said I still only have eyes for her in that way and that I love her and nothing will change that. She said that I have lied to her (which I have in this regard), the trust we built the relationship on has been broken, and that she doesn't even know me.
I feel terrible and at a loss. We are due to be going on holiday this week but I said I doubt that will happen and that we need to spend some time apart (this was not met favourably). I need to get my head straight because I don't know what to think or feel. I realise I have wronged her by lying to her all this time when I thought I was doing the best thing for our relationship. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to break her trust because it was so hard to build up. If I'd grown a pair sooner and stood my ground maybe the relationship wouldn't have continued but at least I wouldn't have deceived someone. This is a hard lesson I have learned.
I don't know where we go from here. Do I open up fully and be completely honest at the risk of hurting her further? Do we break it off? So much of me wants things back how they were so we can go on holiday and enjoy it… I don't want to lose her but I don't want to feel like I have to lie or be controlled anymore.
Sorry for the long post, Reddit, but I feel utterly alone. Thank you for reading this if you have.